Roxanne Stafford, Author at The Stafford Voice

2019 is coming to a close and 2020 is just around the corner. This past year has been a year of healing and growing for me. It started off with the normal resolutions that pretty much everybody says: lose weight, eat healthy, exercise and make major changes to improve your life. I admit I had those same thoughts. As the year starts out, you have the zeal to do all these things. As the months go by, however, that zeal loses steam. Then those resolutions become just good ideas to try when you have time.

Around spring time of 2019, things at my job were changing and I’m not one for change. But, if it is needed, I will adjust. Anyway, things at work got crazy and I wasn’t sure about all the new plans and policies being put in place. Just about everyone had the same reservations.

As I have previously written, I have anxiety.

Frustratingly, with all these changes and tension at my job, I started having panic attacks. It was around the summer I decided to reach out for help for these panic attacks and thoughts. I learn techniques to cope with anxiety. It helped with my personal life, but I was spending time in the warehouse and bathroom at my job trying to quell my panic attacks. Then they would happen on my way to work.

During the spring/summer I started looking for another job. I was not having any luck. I was putting in applications, but no one was calling me back. I didn’t have the experience most were asking for. Then, one day after being told by management that all I was really good for was cashiering, I went home and looked for jobs.

I was beaten down.

This was the final straw!

Call it luck or fate or destiny or whatever, I saw one place hiring that said “no experience necessary”. I said “what the heck!’ and applied. I forgot about is because I was worried about the holidays coming up and not being able to spend it with my family. In all this worry, I got a peace about the holidays. I felt that I wasn’t to worry about it.

Then… I got a call! They wanted to do a phone interview.

Then I was emailed from them to set up an in-person interview! I haven’t had an interview in 18 years! I was so nervous! Both Dan and my therapist (and friends along in this journey) helped me prepare.

During that interview I was so nervous and you could see it. Literally…my neck and face get red and splotchy. As the interview was coming to an end, I felt at peace and calm. I figured it was in God’s hands.

Then I was asked to shadow for the position. This was a great idea. You get to see the job and meet the people working there.

A few days later… I was offered the job! VICTORY! I could hardly believe it! So I put my two week notice in at my job.

From some of the things said and how I was treated after that, I knew I had made the right decision. I was leaving a toxic environment. I didn’t realize how toxic until I left completely and started to process these things with Dan and my therapist.

All the while this was going on, I was learning to forgive my biological dad. I don’t remember him because I was very young when my mom and him divorced. He chose not to be in mine or my sisters’ lives. It has always bothered me. I was going to find him and see if we could talk.

Upon reaching out to others who knew him and talking with them, and some praying, I decided not to find him. But I needed to figure out how to get past feelings of unworthiness, feeling abandoned, and the hurt. It was suggested that I just forgive him. I’m currently working on that.

No. It’s not easy.

I got a little relief by writting him a letter and ripping it out of the notebook and throwing it away. (Kind of like how he threw me away.) The only thing to work past is seeing his point of view. I’m stuck there. I know that’s okay. It takes time. Forgiveness isn’t something that happens overnight.

I feel I’ve come a long way since the start of 2019 and I know I have a long way to go. I have stepped outside my comfort zone more than once. And it’s okay. I’m okay. The world didn’t end. I have a little more self confidence and I know I am worthy and lovable. I got myself a better job and realized it’s my biological dad who is missing out, not me. I am on the road to controlling my anxiety instead of it controlling me.

So, while getting ready to ring in the new year, I’m left wondering just how many chapters in one life can come to an end all at the same time?

Life sure is a page turner!

I have anxiety.

One definition of anxiety is: a feeling of worry, nervousness, or unease, typically about an imminent event or something with an uncertain outcome. The Psychiatry definition of anxiety is: a nervous disorder characterized by a state of excessive uneasiness and apprehension, typically with compulsive behavior or panic attacks.

I have been diagnosed… with anxiety.

I have dealt with this disorder my entire life, and I have no idea what it means or what it’s like to live a normal life.

One of the things I have problems with is worrying. When I looked up the word anxiety, I also looked up the word worry. Which, is defined as to: give way to anxiety or unease; allow one’s mind to dwell on difficulty or troubles. Or: a state of anxiety and uncertainty over actual or potential problems.

These definitions for both anxiety and worry describe me and my everyday life. It describes what I have been fighting all my life.

A few months ago I decided to start therapy because of some thoughts and feelings I was having. Plus, everyday life was just getting to hard to handle. I honestly was getting frustrated that family and friends would tell me that I just needed to stop worrying and thinking the thoughts that I would think. But family and friends also didn’t know the extent of my mental illness. I would always tell those who told me to stop, that if I could, I WOULD! I highly doubt anyone would want to live like this day in and day out.

I worry about everything and everyone. I worry about my husband, my son and his little family. I worry about work, my husbands work, home and the many things that need to be done around the house. I worry about finances, my son and his family’s finances. I worry about my health. My husbands health. And, you guessed it, other loved ones’ health. I worry about today, tomorrow and the future. I worry about how I present myself and what others will think. I worry about how my family presents themselves. I think the list can go on but I have a feeling you probably get the idea.

The thing is, these are my thoughts every single day! Some days are better than others. Some days something can trigger all these thoughts to come to my mind. All at once. It’s exhausting. It’s hard to go to sleep, let alone stay asleep when things are bad.

When I started to understand why people who struggle with mental illness commit suicide… I figured it was time to seek help. Now, I personally would not choose to end my life. I have so many blessings in my life and there would be so much heartache for my loved ones.

But, I just get tired.

So, I understand that those who choose suicide might just be tired and exhauted about their struggles. It may end your own pain, but it doesn’t end your loved ones pain.

Back to the therapy thing.

My therapy is helping so far. I have taken baby steps and still have a long way to go. I just want to be healthy and happy for me and my family. I want to be around and see my family grow. I want my family to have good memories of me and not ones of sadness.

Me sharing my journey of my mental illness is giving me anxiety. I worry about people judging me. But, I have talked to my husband about how sharing could help others in their journey. And I’m sure I can learn from others who have been there. It gives me comfort to know that there are others who struggle and I’m not the only one.

You’re not the only one!

I’m not the only one!

We’re all in this… together.

Roxanne Stafford

Ending Chapters and Turning New Pages

Anxiety: The Struggle is Real