My mind is racing as I stare at the blank screen. Before I flipped open the laptop, I thought I had an idea of what I wanted to say. However, now that the cursor blinks, I’m not sure where to begin. So…
Would it not be nice to flip open a person’s head to get a real sense of what’s really going on? I sure wish I could. I mean, heck, the first one I’d like to take a look into would be my own. I honestly don’t understand how I’m able to function at times. Seriously, there’s some crazy stuff happening up there. It’s almost like there are a few wires missing, and the ones that are still there aren’t even connected to the right place. Where to even begin can prove to be a challenge.
Speaking of starting… I had high hopes at the start of the year. I really did. I even put them out for all to see. Some of them I’ve even been able to accomplish. Others, yeah, I have no idea how I’ll be able to make them happen. But, right now, I do not intend on giving up.
Maybe that’s the problem. I feel like I’ve given up. Quit. On you. On myself. I feel like I’ve failed you. Even worse, I feel like I’ve failed myself. I bailed out of the boat and the stupid thing was just pushing off from the dock. UGH! Why? Well, I’ve asked myself that same, simple question over and over and over again. No. I have yet to come to an acceptable conclusion. Sure, anxiety kicked in. Sure, depression is a nasty and ugly animal that comes out to play at the worst possible time. Sure, you put a lot on your plate to try and accomplish. Do I have control over all of those, and more? NO. Note at all. Is it possible to push through? I honestly don’t think so.
Back to feeling like I’ve let so many people down. Truth be told, maybe the number of people isn’t as many as I think it is. But, nonetheless, I still feel like I’ve let many people down. I feel like I quit on them. I feel like I’ve failed them. Have I? That’s for them, you to decide. These are my feelings and I’ll cry if I want to. (Sorry. I broke out in song for a second. Are you starting to see the crossed wires upstairs yet? Then again, maybe that’s why you’ve stuck around as long as you have.)
The show was fun while it lasted. That didn’t come out quite like I intended it to. The show was fun. I had a blast. Most of the time. Truth is, there’s a LOT of work that goes into putting one together. But, also, maybe the timing just isn’t right. While mediocre shows flourish, others get lost in the ocean of talkers. When you feel like you’re doing all the right things. Putting in the hard work of trying to put together a quality show. With production and graphics and all the other stuff that goes into it… and when you see others doing more with far less, it can take a toll. Yeah, I know, I’m not supposed to pay attention to them. Focus only on what I can do. Right now, most of the time, I don’t even know what that means anymore.
FACT: The Stafford Voice has been around for 10 years! Most of you may not have even known that. And, it keeps going on and trying to move forward. What lies in store for the near future? Fun and exciting things I hope. But, it requires learning new things. Skills you could say. (Oh, that was a hint. Think you know what I’ve got working in my wittle brain? Guess again!)
It’s all in the process. I love the process. The creation process. It’s beyond awesome to see something go from a simple thought to a finished piece. Whatever it is. Music. Moving pictures. Sound. Products. Everyday things most people take for granted, I look at with a creative eye and/or ear. I can’t even watch a movie without trying to figure out how they put together that shot for the scene. Or how the composer put together the score. Or how the writer got started writing. Or how they built the set and props. Don’t even get me started on the editing of it all. Are you starting to see that there’s a much bigger picture to everything?
Here’s the picture of what’s happening right now: The wonders of modern technology in the form of an Amazon Echo is connected to the internet and playing classical music. All the while, I sit on the modern convenience of the reclining couch with a laptop typing out my thoughts. To one side is a magic little device called an iPhone that dings every few seconds with the dings of social media and email apps. To the other side, is an assortment of books. But not just any old books. They are labors of love gifted to us by the various authors. Now then, let us not forget, that’s just the right here right now. I didn’t even get into the lights, and electricity, and running water, air conditioning, hum of the refrigerator, and on and on and on. There is ALWAYS a bigger picture.
Okay, after all of that, I think I’ve officially lost it. I completely lost where I was.
Oh yeah, the process. I love the process of creating. Only one problem. I’m NOT creating enough. Documenting as some would say. Document the process of creating. Meh… that’s something for another time.
I think I’m sufficiently tired enough to attempt to take some rest.