The Stafford Voice

Our little place to talk about and share about life.

life

New Year, New You?

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be a better you, for you quote

Welcome to the new year! A time when people deep dive into trying to adopt new workouts, new diets, new personas. Whatever that new thing is, it is incorrectly thought of as a new you.

What do I mean?

We all know someone who walks around at the end of the year saying something along the framework of, “New Year, New Me.”

Well… this is wrong!

You can’t create a new you. It’s quite silly to think you can.

You should be saying, “New Year, Better Me!”

Your goal should be to get a little better each day. Not to try and be a different you. You haven’t even mastered the concept of being you.

You walk around all day long arguing with yourself about trying to be true to who you are. On the outside you try to give the illusion of one thing while wrestling with your identity on the inside.

This isn’t healthy!

Now is the time to scrap that thinking and work on becoming the real you. A better you.

It’s okay to choose a new diet. But, for what reason? Are you doing it to get noticed? Or, are you doing it to feel better and to take better care of yourself?

It’s okay to use the new year as an opportunity to launch into a better version of yourself. But, don’t use it as an excuse to wait.

Waiting was the old you. The better you starts now!

So, the next time you hear someone say, “New Year, New Me”, flip their script and say they’re wrong. Why? Because, New Year, Better YOU!

Set Your Emotional Intention and Take Control

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emotions

I tend to get all up inside my feels, and the thing that bothers me the most is being aware that it is happening and not really taking control of them.

I know it’s my choice whether I want to let them get the best of me or not. But sometimes they just get the best of me.

When you get hijacked by your emotions and lose control of how you react, you are “being a passenger” in your own life. – Mel Robbins

This is a very important lesson. And, one that a good deal of us need to take a second to absorb, especially during these 2020 times.

This has been a crazy year for everyone, and our emotions have bee stretched beyond their comfort levels. The result of what happens when they snap? We snap. Most often, if not always, we tend to snap at the wrong person.

This is because we’re letting our emotions take control instead of making the conscious decision to decide our reaction. We choose how we react to our emotions. Choose wrong, and your going to likely find yourself performing damage control.

You need to set your emotional intention at the beginning of each day. Decide beforehand that whatever emotions you encounter throughout the day, you will accept them and move on to feelings of joy and having fun.

Life is WAY to short to get wrapped up in your feels all the time. It can be damaging to your health, both mentally and physically. And, that doesn’t take into account anyone else who you may interact with.

Here’s a great video of the concept of setting your emotional intention – and the inspiration for this post – in action:

Digital Detox

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The last 60-90 days have been quite the roller coaster thanks to the whole Covid-19 pandemic. Businesses locked their doors. People were issued stay-at-home orders. Extroverts were forced to live like an introvert. About the only ways people could socialize was through social media or through video chats.

I’m not happy to admit that I spent what I would consider too much time scrolling around on social media. Now, I’m not the type to comment or say a lot on there anyway, but I did spend a little extra time than normal scrolling through people watching. (Yes, I know that sounds borderline creepy.)

As I was noticing this about my change in habits, I decided what I need is a digital detox. So, for the next 30 or so days, I’m going to step away from social media and some news sites. Anything that I do share will be done so automatically, or because I saw an article from a self-approved news site and sent it to Twitter in order to come back to when I’ve completed my digital detox.

So, by now, I’m sure you’re wondering how I’ll spend my newly found time? Here are the four things I’ll be shifting my time to:

  1. Reading
  2. Writing
  3. Art
  4. Self

Reading

I already spend a bit of my time reading, however, I’ve noticed myself reaching for my phone more and more rather than a book. As a way to make myself more accountable, my wife and I have decided to read and discuss a book together. We’ve done this in the past, and we really enjoyed it. This time we’ll be reading 10% Happier by Dan Harris. We’ve had these sitting on our shelf for a few months now, and what better way to spend your digital detox than reading about how to reduce stress?

Writing

About a month ago, I started a writing project that I would really like to see through to the end. Every writing project I’ve ever started, I ran into a snag or something else got in the way and I either got bored with it or completely trashed it. I really would like to finish this one. I’ve made it further with this one so far than I have with any of the other ones. So, I’m going to really try and spend 5 minutes at a minimum on it daily.

Art

There are some mediums out there that I’ve just never quite been comfortable with or that I’ve wanted to try out to see what they do. So, I picked up a few things at the art store to kickstart my curiosity. Maybe, when I’ve completed my digital detox, I’ll share some of what I “created”.

Self

This is the biggest area I’m going to spend my time on. I noticed that I’ve been just going through motions lately on some things without really being aware. This is probably the single biggest reason for doing this digital detox! I need to spend some quality time healing my body and clearing my mind. To do so, I’m going to shift my focus in the gym to that of recovery movements. I’m going to spend a little time doing yoga. Lastly, one of the things I really want to do is spend time each day in meditation.

So, there it is. My blueprint for a digital detox over the next 30 or so days.

Oh, and one last thing: I’m going to try and get better at journaling and posting on a more frequent basis.

Ending Chapters and Turning New Pages

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flower growing out of crack in ground

2019 is coming to a close and 2020 is just around the corner. This past year has been a year of healing and growing for me. It started off with the normal resolutions that pretty much everybody says: lose weight, eat healthy, exercise and make major changes to improve your life. I admit I had those same thoughts. As the year starts out, you have the zeal to do all these things. As the months go by, however, that zeal loses steam. Then those resolutions become just good ideas to try when you have time.

Around spring time of 2019, things at my job were changing and I’m not one for change. But, if it is needed, I will adjust. Anyway, things at work got crazy and I wasn’t sure about all the new plans and policies being put in place. Just about everyone had the same reservations. 

As I have previously written, I have anxiety. 

Frustratingly, with all these changes and tension at my job, I started having panic attacks. It was around the summer I decided to reach out for help for these panic attacks and thoughts. I learn techniques to cope with anxiety. It helped with my personal life, but I was spending time in the warehouse and bathroom at my job trying to quell my panic attacks. Then they would happen on my way to work. 

During the spring/summer I started looking for another job. I was not having any luck. I was putting in applications, but no one was calling me back. I didn’t have the experience most were asking for.  Then, one day after being told by management that all I was really good for was cashiering, I went home and looked for jobs. 

I was beaten down. 

This was the final straw!

Call it luck or fate or destiny or whatever, I saw one place hiring that said “no experience necessary”. I said “what the heck!’ and applied. I forgot about is because I was worried about the holidays coming up and not being able to spend it with my family. In all this worry, I got a peace about the holidays. I felt that I wasn’t to worry about it. 

Then… I got a call! They wanted to do a phone interview. 

Then I was emailed from them to set up an in-person interview! I haven’t had an interview in 18 years! I was so nervous! Both Dan and my therapist (and friends along in this journey) helped me prepare. 

During that interview I was so nervous and you could see it. Literally…my neck and face get red and splotchy. As the interview was coming to an end, I felt at peace and calm. I figured it was in God’s hands. 

Then I was asked to shadow for the position. This was a great idea. You get to see the job and meet the people working there. 

A few days later… I was offered the job! VICTORY! I could hardly believe it! So I put my two week notice in at my job. 

From some of the things said and how I was treated after that, I knew I had made the right decision. I was leaving a toxic environment. I didn’t realize how toxic until I left completely and started to process these things with Dan and my therapist. 

All the while this was going on, I was learning to forgive my biological dad. I don’t remember him because I was very young when my mom and him divorced. He chose not to be in mine or my sisters’ lives. It has always bothered me. I was going to find him and see if we could talk. 

Upon reaching out to others who knew him and talking with them, and some praying, I decided not to find him. But I needed to figure out how to get past feelings of unworthiness, feeling abandoned, and the hurt. It was suggested that I just forgive him. I’m currently working on that. 

No. It’s not easy.

I got a little relief by writting him a letter and ripping it out of the notebook and throwing it away. (Kind of like how he threw me away.) The only thing to work past is seeing his point of view. I’m stuck there. I know that’s okay. It takes time. Forgiveness isn’t something that happens overnight. 

I feel I’ve come a long way since the start of 2019 and I know I have a long way to go. I have stepped outside my comfort zone more than once. And it’s okay. I’m okay. The world didn’t end. I have a little more self confidence and I know I am worthy and lovable. I got myself a better job and realized it’s my biological dad who is missing out, not me. I am on the road to controlling my anxiety instead of it controlling me. 

So, while getting ready to ring in the new year, I’m left wondering just how many chapters in one life can come to an end all at the same time?

Life sure is a page turner!

Do you know who you are?

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It’s a question I think many people think about at least a few times in their lives. For me, it seems like it’s always something I think about. I constantly want to know how I can be better, or do more, or whatever. 

Here is a little of the backstory…

A few weeks ago, a close friend of mine suggested I take one of those silly tests about your personality. I think the one he referred me to was at 16Personalities.com (If you’ve never taken a test like this, it can be rather eye-opening for you and those around you. Best yet, this one is FREE!)

I took it and was not really surprised at what my result was. I was and am one of the more rare types. I’m an INFJ.

What did surprise me about taking this was what it said about me. As I was reading more about what an INFJ person is, I was sharing it with my friend. All he kept doing was nodding his head in agreement. Either he knows me really well or someone has been following me around for a lot of years compiling data and put it together in a very condensed form and tipped off my friend to check it out. I kept thinking to myself how accurate this thing was.

Intrigued, and true to being an INFJ, I wanted to know more. So, what did I do? Validate the results. I found another personality test, took it and came back with the same results.

Still somewhat skeptical, I had this friend of mine take the test and answer the questions as he perceived me to be. Results? Hide the kids in the room because HOLY SH!T it was the same thing. 

Having enough proof or validation, I decided to dig a little deeper into more about being an INFJ.

I asked myself a handful of questions like:

  • What makes an INJF happy?
  • What upsets an INFJ?
  • What are things an INFJ likes to do?

INFJ people tend to spend a lot of time in their own heads thinking and pondering about things. This was one of those times!

All through my life, I’ve had people tell me I was intimidating or unapproachable. Or I just don’t look happy. Or I’m this or that. So, I decided that maybe I would try and be more open about this and what makes me tick. All in the hopes that the people around me understand me a little better so that my own little world becomes a much more pleasant place to be.

Here’s a video that might give you some insight:

I’M AN INTROVERT… so, you’re just gonna have to deal with it.

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The title and lead image say just about all that needs to be said. I’m an introvert and you’re just gonna have to deal with it. Oh, and yes… Ugh, People!

Sounds a tad bit harsh. I know. And, I get it. Trust me, I’ve thought about it enough already.

That’s something introverts just tend to do. They think. A lot! While extroverts spend their time outside of their own minds, introverts tend to spend the majority of their time in their own heads. Thinking about anything and everything. It doesn’t mean they’re shy at all. Just that they would rather be alone with their thoughts.

For some of who are introverts, this can be somewhat conflicting. Myself, I deal with anxiety and depression which can be very frustrating. Caught up in my own thoughts can be like an elevator ride on a downward spiral. The internal struggle with trying to clear out dark thoughts only gets clouded over with more dark thoughts, and at times, even darker thoughts. And, it’s times like this where the best thing you can do for someone like me, is to just let me be. Let me recharge!

We all have our own ways to recharge. As for me and myself? Well, we like to stay home and set all the locks on the doors. Again, harsh. But, I need you to understand that – how can I say this without sounding too harsh again? – it’s just not mentally healthy for me to be in a socially charged atmosphere to recharge.

As a matter of fact, it’s even more draining than you realize to be in groups, small or large. It’s much more recharging mentally for me to be alone, or even one-on-one – as long as it’s with someone who’ve I’ve already accepted into my “inner social circle”.

But, hey, I am who I am and that’s all that I am.

The good thing is, I’m not alone in being an introvert. Despite making up 25-40% of the population, there are some pretty incredible people who are introverts:

  • Bill Gates (interesting sidenote about him is that he takes a week off from everything to unplug and recharge by going out by himself, alone, to a lakeside cabin to read and think – sounds spectacular if you ask me)
  • Eleanor Roosevelt (often quoted as saying: “Friendship with oneself is all important, because without it one cannot be friends with anyone else in the world.”)
  • Albert Einstein (arguably one of the most brilliant minds ever who said: “The monotony and solitude of a quiet life stimulates the creative mind.”)
  • Mahatma Gandhi
  • Laura Bush
  • Warren Buffet

I could certainly add many more names to that list! Maybe even yours? One thing remains: there’s nothing wrong with being an introvert as long as you know how to really connect with us.

Here’s a look into what it’s like behind locked doors in our house: