Daniel

We all come to terms with things in our lives. Some people call it a phase. Some call it a mid-life crisis. Whatever you want to refer to it as it’s something big in your life and it will have lasting effects on the rest of your life.

I sure hope that doesn’t come across as deep, but it is what it is.

As I sit down to write this, I’m finding it a real struggle to put things into words.

Late last year, and earlier this year, I shared with you that we were taking a break from The Church. It was a large part of our lives for more than 10 years. In fact, one could argue it was our life. Almost everything in our life was ruled by activities on certain days and nights. We also had to do this, or that, or read and study something coming up. It became somewhat second nature to be ruled by rules.

But for some, it was great. They were doing it because they genuinely believed. Trust me when I say how awesome that is.

What I/we needed to know for ourselves was if we were being genuine. It took us a long time to come to the understanding that we weren’t. So, what were we to do?

Study more! Wait, what? That’s right. When we would ask others we knew what we were thinking or the questions we were contemplating, we were always pointed back to studying it out. The answers were always there. BUT THEY WEREN’T. At least when we went to look.

Now, let me get something straight. When I made mention of asking those we knew… really, the only people we knew were those we went to church with. We didn’t have people in the outside world. They were bad and would lead us astray. At least that’s what we thought. So when I said that our lives were pretty much ruled and dictated by church, I wasn’t stretching the truth. I was being 100% honest. We didn’t, and still don’t for the most part, have friends on the outside.

It struck us while on date night the other night. We were sitting there at a local micro-brewery enjoying a nice non-Mormon brew, we realized we don’t have friends we could share the moment with. Don’t get me wrong, there was nothing wrong with the company between us. After all, isn’t that the point of going on date nights? But I digress.

Fast-forward to this morning as I was getting ready for the day, a phrase popped into my head. Recovering Mormon. Just two little words. They hit me like a load of bricks. All day I tried to dismiss the thought. But, I’ve come to understand when you can’t get something out of your head, you need to dive into it. What is it? Where did it come from? And, why am I thinking about this? All of which are valid questions. So that’s what I did. I dove right on into my wee little brain and asked myself these questions.

Did I get all the answers I was looking for? That’s between me and myself.

What I will say is a simple Google search for the phrase “Recovering Mormon” will potentially be an eye-opening experience. One thing I’ll admit to learning is that there are subReddits for anything and everything. Yes, even for those recovering Mormons out there.

What does all of this have with where we started?

Let’s just sum it up by saying it’s time to make a move and move on.

Just what kind of effect has social media and reality TV played on our lives? Scientifically, I cannot answer that. I’m sure there are plenty of incredible studies out there with pretty pie charts showing just how bad or good they’ve been. But… that’s not what you’re going to get here.

Now, I completely understand you the high likelihood you probably came here by way of social media. Maybe it was a Facebook post? Or a twitter post? I don’t really know. I do find it ironic to write about the toxicity of social media and reality TV knowing you probably used one of those platforms to get here.

So, why make a somewhat bold statement? Well… since you asked.

I was listening to the Hands and Daylight podcast the other day and they had Dakota Meyer on as a guest. He made a few statements that brought some clarity to this particular topic that I just had yet to put into words.

Dakota had first made mention that many of societies problem today point back to MTV’s original reality show called The Real World. And then, he began talking about how social media gives people the illusion that there are filters in life.

I think we can all agree with him in that there are NO life filters.

I’d like to expand on this idea for just a bit.

Let’s start with The Real World.

At the time of the MTV show, it was both groundbreaking and controversial. Mostly for the same reasons. Sadly, I don’t think the creators and producers of the show realized the impact it would bring. It gave us normal people a look into the lives of others. However candid of a look it was, admittedly, people were drawn to it. Why? Simple. People are nosy!

We want to know what other people do. We want to see how they act behind closed doors. We want to know how other people live their lives. The show was a real-life example of psychology at play.

Now, lest we forget, the show was scripted. Much like the reality shows of today, it’s all scripted. There’s an agenda from the producers to put out a show that brings people back. They want to show drama. They don’t care if people are damaged by the end product. It’s their job to deliver the sale.

By now you’re probably wondering how this plays into social media?

Well… as much as people are nosy, they are followers of observation.

When people see how other people do and act, they imitate. Social media is just a tool for them to do so.

Those filters Dakota Meyer was talking about? Much like Instagram and Snapchat filters can turn bad pictures into works of art, people use these filters in real life. They use them to try and portray something they aren’t.

People go out and rent fancy cars, take a picture, post it on social media, and give the image that they’ve got all their stuff together in life and they’re making millions. The reality is that they are flat broke and don’t honestly have a real job. I’m not saying all of them are that way, but the majority of them are.

Now we get people who follow those people and try and chase a lie. They’ll do whatever they have to do now to get there in life. Beg, borrow, or steal. People just don’t care. They want what they want and will do almost anything to get it.

People also tend to forget that there’s a real person on the other end of heir social media. Twitter, for instance, is just a nasty, vile place. People just don’t care what they say. And, they’re completely stuck in their thoughts and ideas. They don’t want to look objectively at someone else’s opinion. They just don’t care. It’s not only a sick way of handling yourself but an unhealthy one for those being interacted with.

We’ve all been on the receiving end of it. We’ve all allowed ourselves to be duped by these filters people are using. We’ve all been led to think this is how the other people actually live.

Take it for whatever you wish, but this is why I say social media and reality TV is toxic.

Our time is precious. So, we shouldn’t waste our time with substandard stuff. You know. Stuff like podcasts.

I’ll admit… that was hard to even get my fingers to type! Even the thought of podcasts being a waste of time is nonsensical to a person like myself. Considering I’ve spent a considerable about of money and time to produce a podcast. I’ve even delved into the video side of the podcast production.

But, at its core, podcasts are nothing more than old-timey radio 2.0. Argue that fact all you wish, but it’s true.

Just as the radio did to newspapers – You remember when newspapers said the radio would flop? Sure, I have no idea as I’m too young to have been around, but I did read it on the interwebs so it must have some merit. – and the television killed the radio star. Times change. Some people, however, don’t.

They get stuck thinking that their little world of how they see and experience things is the only way it should be. Case in point was a post I read that caught my attention titled: “Are podcasts killing music or just wasting our time?“

If you have enough time to take out of your day to read something this long – when I printed it out it came out on five sheets of paper – you’ll quickly come to the understanding that this author, not only likes the sound of his own words, but that he likes to write.

Don’t get me wrong. I can enjoy a person who has their way with words and in their ability to craft those words into sentences and structure it in such a way that captures a reader. But where I get lost? I get lost when the writer drones on and on with the hopes of dragging the reader down into a pit with them hoping on all hopes that they will finally give in and accept their argument.

Now, before I lose you, I want to touch on this post I read about if podcasts are killing music or if they are just wasting our time. Let’s dig in. Shall we?

I completely understand the author wondering if music is in a death spiral. But, it’s NOT due to podcasts. It’s because of the interwebs. It’s much easier for people to post their music today than it was in the glory years of arena rock. Today, you don’t need a record label to get your music heard. You just need access to the interwebs.

Much like writing, and music… podcasts are, dare I say, subjective. If you don’t like one, it doesn’t mean that all podcasts are a waste of time. It just means you didn’t like that one. I do NOT like AC/DC. So, if we accept this concept, then we can assume that all music is bad. But that just isn’t so! As the author suggests, there is just so much music out there to comb through and listen to and explore.

The same can be said about podcasts. If you have an interest in politics. There’s a podcast for that. If you like powerlifting. There’s a podcast for that. If you enjoy writing. You guessed it. There’s a podcast for it. Heck, there’s even podcasts about high-level astrophysics.

I think what the author is missing is that podcasts aren’t really different that words on paper or a screen. As a writer takes their reader on a journey with their carefully crafted words and phrases, so does a podcaster as they carefully control their speech cadence and intonation.

I think if I wanted to sum up my answer to the author’s post on whether podcasts are killing music or wasting our time is this: No. Only if you let it.

Now, I’ll admit I am struggling with one thing as I conclude this… Do I turn this post/response into a podcast episode or just leave it be?

I’m gonna start this by saying that there is absolutely NOTHING wrong with masculinity. Masculinity is not toxic. If anything, the thing that is most toxic to masculinity is feminism.

Sure, there are men who are toxic to masculinity. There are toxic people anywhere and in anything.

Now, as I get ready to share the idea that I originally wanted to start with, I would like you to know that I in no way see myself as the lead source on masculinity. There are a host of others far more qualified to discuss the topic. I’m just a gentleman with an opinion and an affinity to share some of my thoughts and life experiences.

So here goes…

I just got done reading a really good book by John Eldredge titled Wild at Heart. In this book, John laid out the idea that boys/men require three basic things: a challenge, a beauty, and an adventure.

It hit me as I was thinking about something that happened to me earlier today, that this is as simple as the ABC’s of masculinity.

A = Adventure 

B = Beauty

C = Challenge

For the sake of this post, I’d like to focus on the B of the ABC’s. Beauty.

I’ll admit there is some level of adventure and challenge required to capture your beauty. Now, I’ve been married for 22 years, so it would be easy to admit that I’ve already ‘captured’ my beauty.

But, have I?

I challenged myself to confront this today while chatting with my wife. You see, we were getting ready for the day, and I was doing something or saying something – I don’t remember what it was – which sparked her to say that I already got her.

I proceeded to inform her that my chase isn’t over to win her.

That chase and desire to win her over started in 9th grade at a Valentine’s Day dance. From the moment I saw her, I knew she was the one. I started my conquest if you will. Heck, I didn’t even tell her my name in the hope it would cause her to chase me.

That plan didn’t entirely work. From what she tells me, she asked one of here friends later that night about me. What I’m also not sure of is if I stayed on her mind as she did mine.

So, I did what I had to do so she would see me around. Again, trying to do so to create a bit of mystique so she would pursue me.

Eventually, we began talking, and within a few weeks, I asked her out.

I was devastated when she turned me down. The first time that is. I didn’t give up! I asked her a second time a few days later, and she said yes this time.

And, we’ve been together ever since.

Whether it was a joke or not, as seniors, we were voted ‘Most Likely to Live Happily Ever After”.

From that moment, I decided to take it seriously. I decided to make my princess feel like her life was that of a fairy tale.

Am I confident that my chase is over? Again, we’ve been married for 22 years and together for 25. That’s more than half our lives right now. No! That chase is never going to end.

I will continue to chase her every day. I will make it my mission to make her know how special she is. To know how much loved she is. To make her laugh.

Every day is a new challenge and adventure. Knowing I have a beauty to chase as well brings a new level of excitement to all of it.

Each year we go through a few seasons. When the next year comes around, we go through them again. But what about life? Do we go through seasons in our lives where we become lost and then found?

I sure think so. And, as a matter of fact, when we realize who we are, we can truly start our journey toward being happy.

No. I’m not talking about the kind where you wake up in the morning and stand in front of the mirror telling yourself to put on a smile and to have a good day. I’m talking about the kind of happy that just oozes from you.

Okay, I have to admit I’ve been taking a little longer to read a book than normal. It’s not even a big book, so I really have no excuse other than being a little busy thinking about what the author wrote. And, I’ve been busy with some other things. But, still, no excuse for taking as long as I have.

To all the men, boys, and fathers out there, I highly recommend it. The book is Wild at Heart by John Eldredge.

The chapter that has had me thinking recently is about losing your false self. Something I’ve actually been working on. Admittedly, for a few years now.

So, before I touch on what stuck out at me in the book, I want to say this: When you are really ready to let go of your false self, hang on because it’s going to be a wild, frustrating, sad, crazy, happy, fulfilling ride! (Yes, that’s a whole lot of conflicting feelings. And, you’ll go through all of them and more.)

“The real journey begins when the false self fails.”

WOAH! That’s kind of heavy. But… It’s SO true. When you realize that you’ve been trying to fool yourself into being something you really aren’t, things are bound to get bumpy.

Earlier in the chapter, the author highlights a few passages from the bible.

There is a way that seemeth right unto a man, but the end thereof are the ways of death.

– Proverbs 16:25

It might seem right, that false self, but if it isn’t real? Then, sure, it’s your death. Not a physical death, but the death of your true self.

For whosoever will save his life shall lose it: but whosoever will lose his life for my sake, the same shall save it.

– Luke 9:24

Your true self should NEVER be tied to what others think. It should NEVER be based on what you think others value you at. There is only one who you should work toward pleasing. When you set aside all the other nonsense, and learn about who the real you is? WOW! Life will not feel like you’re just going through the motions for everyone else. It will feel energizing. It will be a joy.

You will wake up one day and realize you kicked your false self to the curb and you’ll thank yourself.

I’m a man, but it seems that society would rather I not be. And, the same appears so for all the rest of the boys and men out there. But, we should let the boys be boys and the men be men.

At the heart of boys and men, there is a sense of adventure and mystery. A feeling to want to always be on the hunt. Doesn’t matter if it’s food or a princess, or just for a rush of adrenalin. Admittedly, we have a hard time sitting still.

Society doesn’t like that.

What does society wish us to be? Soft. Reserved. Last. You know, everything that we aren’t!

Sure, there’s more to boyhood and manhood that this. That’s a given. But one thing I’ve become increasingly frustrated with is the lack of boys being boys. In other words, men being able to be men.

I’m currently reading a book by John Eldredge titled Wild at Heart. I’d like to share with you two paragraphs from a chapter I just finished that sort of highlights just a small part of the problem.

“Most of you will remember the tragic story from April 1999. Two boys walked into the school library and began shooting; when it was all over, thirteen victims and their two assailants were dead. Sommers is alarmed about the remarks of William Pollack, director of the Center for Men at McLean Hospital, and so am I. Here is what he said: “The boys in Littleton are the tip of the iceberg. And the iceberg is all boys.” The idea, widely held in our culture, is that the aggressive nature of boys is inherently bad, and we have to make them into something more like girls. The primary tool for that operation is our public school system. The average schoolteacher faces an incredible challenge: to bring order to a room of boys and girls, and promote learning. The main obstacle to that noble goal is getting the boys to sit still, keep quiet, and pay attention… for an entire day. You might as well hold back the tide. That’s not the way a boy is wired, and it’s not the way a boy learns. Rather than changing the way we do male education, we try to change males.

“As Lionel Tiger reports in his book The Decline of Males, boys are three to four times more likely than girls to be diagnosed as suffering from attention deficit disorder (ADD). But maybe they’re not sick; maybe, as Tiger says, “This may simply mean they enjoy large-muscle movements and assertive actions… Boys as a group appear to prefer relatively boisterous and mobile activities to the sedate and physically restricted behavior that school systems reward and to which girls seem to be more inclined.”

I’d like to make a note about the start of that first paragraph. If you didn’t notice, Eldredge was referencing the tragic shooting at Columbine. No, neither Eldridge or I am condoning such brutal acts of murder.

And, again, I’d like to re-state something that was quoted: this is just a part of the tip of an iceberg. Society and culture are saying it’s wrong for boys and men to be boys and men. We’re just not wired that way.

I’m NOT! Heck, I’m almost 40 years old and I still can’t sit still and be quiet for periods of time, short or long. Doesn’t matter. In my head, I’m still quietly talking to myself and creating adventures. I’m plotting and planning ways to go and dig roads in the yard to play cars with my grandson. I drive by the woods and think of all the trouble and adventure I could discover.

I think that’s why I loved, and still do, the comic Calvin and Hobbes. And partly why I picked the picture I did for this post. Calvin was a visual representation of every little boy at heart; including myself. 

In short, can I just ask what it will take for us to let the boys be boys, and men be men?

Admittedly, what I’m about to share with you has been one of the hardest things I’ve ever had to put into words. And, I must add, one of the most difficult things I’ve had to admit to myself. For the sake of simplicity, when I refer to myself, I’m really referring to us. The both of us. This is something that we have mutually agreed upon. Something that’s been on both of our minds and in our hearts for roughly six to eight months.

Before I get too far into this, I must give you a bit of the backstory. So, if you will, we’ll start there.

Back in time…

About 10 or so years ago, we were searching for more in our lives. We had already been married for 10 years, maybe even longer, and we had a desire to seek out more meaning in our lives. It felt like we were missing something. Enter some incredible people into our lives. I’m not going to name names as I’m sure they know who they are, and, quite frankly, it’s not relevant.

These two individuals accepted us for who we were and welcomed us into their world with open arms. We quickly became friends. It’s as if we had known each other our entire lives. So, I think they were quick to recognize what it was we needed. Hesitant, we accepted their invitation to know more.

Fast-forward a year and we found all three of ourselves, our son included, standing before the baptismal font getting ready to be baptized as members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints. It will forever be a memorable time in each of our lives.

Faithfully, over the next ten years, we served in various capacities as members of the LDS faith. We shared our conversion stories with many people, both young and old. It is almost as fairy-tale-ish as our entire marriage has been. (Maybe another story for another day?)

Now, as a Mormon, we faithfully and somewhat blindly followed the rules. We did this thing when we could and didn’t do this just simply because, well, again, we followed the rules somewhat blindly. For many, many years we did this. Sometimes, after a few years had passed, we would find ourselves questioning the many things we were doing, and following, and adhering to.

But, that’s okay, right? It’s okay to question. After all, it would strengthen our testimonies. Or would it?

Tipping point…

Well, at some point, the pressures would start to increase inside ourselves as we continued to try to live up to the LDS standards. I’ll admit, they can be overwhelming at times. Even to the point of causing anxiety issues and bouts of depression. There was always a feeling that we weren’t doing enough. There was always a feeling of being judged.

To put it rather bluntly, we always felt as if we were outsiders, or just didn’t belong. (These feelings would greatly increase the older our son got.)

Alright, I think that sets enough tone to what I’m about to say. I don’t want to get into too many other personal things and issues. So, I’ll bring you up to current times.

Since the start of the year, we have been wrestling with where we are as Mormons. Or, should I say members of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-Day Saints as we’re not supposed to refer to ourselves as Mormons or LDS?

So, wrestling… We spent many times with a prayer in our hearts and in our thoughts on what we should do. Many times over we would, even jokingly, ask one another if it would impact our eternal salvation. I say jokingly, but honestly, we both felt as if it was more a question that really needed to be answered. I cannot begin to express the amount of time we spent in prayer and fasting asking what to do. Over and over again, we would continue to feel as if we just needed a break.

Out with the old…

It’s almost like passing by a store with a sign out front that says “Everything Must Go!” They don’t do that just to get you into the store to spend money. They don’t do it because they’re getting ready to close the doors for good. They do it to get rid of things to make way for new things. This is where we are. We’re moving some things out to make way for new things to move in. In other words, we are taking a giant step to the side and taking a break from the Church.

Honestly? It’s really a test that if you set something free and it comes back then it was meant to be. It’s a test of faith. Something that many people we know will challenge. Some will not be very accepting. Very, very few will be.

It will be a definite test of boundary setting skills. One of which has already had to be tested.

Let’s test those boundary muscles…

The other day, we heard a knock at the door. It was in the early evening on a Sunday. We don’t usually have people knock on our door. So, we were caught a little off guard. But, not as much as the gentleman was who was on the other side of the door.

I answered and invited him in. It was pretty warm outside, so I invited him inside where it was cool so we could talk. It would be a little more intimate this way. I think by now, you’ve guessed this gentleman was a fellow member and was reaching out to us; mainly myself, as he was sent on assignment to ask if I would prepare a message to be delivered in a week or so. If you didn’t know, the messages delivered on Sundays come from the people in the congregation, not a paid preacher or anyone else. We all volunteer to do these things. (Something many feel almost required/pressured to do as it is just so taboo to say no when asked.)

He asked if I would like to give a talk, and I looked right at him and said no. He had a somewhat puzzled look on his face, asking if he could ask why. I politely shared with him that we were in a position that we needed to have some space and time away from the Church to figure some things out for ourselves. He said that was understandable and asked if there was anything he could do, or even if there was someone we needed to talk to. He also asked if he or anyone else could be in contact with us. You know… to check up on us. I accepted. He departed.

This, for us, was a test of our newfound boundary building. I don’t think for one second that, had we not felt the Spirit a few weeks ago tell us to start studying out of a book on boundaries, we would have been fully prepared to handle this moment. I honestly think we were, and are, being prepared for something. What that is, I don’t know. But, I will say this: the amount of weight lifted off our shoulders right now is beyond words. Freeing if you will.

Think on this…

I’m me. You are you. I’m not perfect, and neither are you. Before you are quick to try and pass judgement, take a second to examine who you are and what you have in your life. Are there things you need to change in order to grow and be the best you that you can be? That is exactly where we are right now. You can take us or leave us. We are okay in our actions and decisions. We are at peace with them. We know more of who we are and what we are capable of today than we knew yesterday. Can you honestly say the same thing about yourself and where you are?

“We are products of our past, but we don’t have to be prisoners of it.”

– Rick Warren, The Purpose Driven Life

It can be fun sometimes to think about all the things you’ve done. Or maybe just sitting around telling stories about the past. I’ll admit, there can be a lot to learn when we look at things in the past. But, there’s something key in that last sentence. It was only one word. Read over it again if you have to.

The word was… LOOK.

In reality, we should have hung up one of those “Look, but DON’T touch” signs. Maybe then we would get a better grasp on it.

Our past is just that, our past. I don’t know of a single person that go back in time and change a single thing from our past. Admit it for a second that you would if you could. We’ve all been there! We all have things in our past we aren’t proud of, or would like to change. But the truth is the same. We can’t go back. Even if you could, it would completely alter your current state.

How so?

It’s called The Butterfly Effect. In simple terms, when a butterfly flaps its wings in order to fly, it causes a ripple in the air that has a tremendous effect on things halfway around the world. What seems like a gentle breeze to the butterfly has the potential to create the winds of a tornado.

So, you see, even if you could change one thing, it would completely alter your current state. (Maybe some would argue that would be better than where they are now.)

What I’m trying to get at is this: The past is the past. The present is now. The future isn’t even here yet.

It’s okay to think about the past. It can be a very effective learning tool. And, that’s really all we should do with it. Learn from it. And, yes, tell stories because I like to tell stories myself.

You have to live life in the right now. You are NOT Uncle Rico! You see how far that got him in life. He’s still trying to go back and get the coach to put him in the game. The game of life doesn’t work that way. If that’s how you want to be, you’re going to be left behind.

Do NOT fall into the trap of looking back at the past wondering what could have been. It won’t help one bit. In fact, it may just make matters worse. For many people, the past can be very traumatizing and depressing. Something they don’t want to experience again, but because they continue to put the things of the past under the microscope, it all comes back.

Allow me to leave you with this:

“Yesterday is gone. Tomorrow has not yet come. We have only today. Let us begin.”

– Mother Theresa